The exact definition of the word "fragile" is this: easily broken or damaged. Easily broken, I can relate to that. Damaged means it could be repaired, like as if you were cut open and a wound formed and it could easily be put back together. So could this mean that a damaged heart or maybe a broken one could be fixed? With my current history, I honestly don't even have the slightest clue.
Don't mean to sound morbid but well, fuck it, I am. I'm sitting here jotting down thoughts that come out of my noggin and I've recently been through some pretty gut-wrenching shit in the process so I guess now is a better time than later to explain this current situation. If you haven't already figured it out....I'm heartbroken. Surprise surprise, Andrew has found love yet again in a female but (and I know I've said this before) this one was sure something special. Something magical where everything she did/said/does just bedazzled me.
Something tragic where each one of her tales from her past reflected upon my own past years of misery and regret. Something deadly in the fact that she has the same bit of a hair-trigger temper as I have for the past 24 years of my life. I'm still 25 by the way, although I am not so sure of that....I could be 60 or something and wouldn't know it but I'm getting off topic again. Point is, the past three to four months since we've been talking (albiet, my own version of talking) has been like staring through a looking glass of my own self.
Let me explain that. Picture meeting someone for the first time. You get this weird sense of deja vu or something, that sinking feeling in your gut as if you've known you've had this conversation or have met this person sometime in your life but you just can't possibly pinpoint the exact moment as to where this took place. Now picture you are still talking to that person and knowing exactly what their answers will be or how they will react to certain personal questions of theirs. Geting freaky, huh? Now picture that every single moment that you've spent with them seems like going through a time-machine of your own life, as if you are fully in-sync or have swan dived straight into their ocean of thoughts. If that isn't even the single hint of "true love" (I'll explain the quotaions later) then I dunno what is.
So recently things came to a head. Don't know if I was being that too much of a dick or if I pressed a wrong button so far (and it was one hell of a fucking button, by the way) but something triggered the off switch on that between us. She used to come to me for advice, for guidance on what she deemed worthy for society or just her everyday life in general. Then....silence. Just a bleak quiet with not so much as a peep between us.
Something keeps bothering me about it and I'm just at a loss for words as to what I possibly could have done for her to just react like this. A reaction to where I am comepletly cut from her life altogether and that I just might be another ghost of existence in her life as she frequently does to people who she just simply does not give a damn about. Maybe I'm overreacting....maybe, but that still does not justify the means that I am just to be ignored and never talked to compared to how we've been talking the past couple months. It's as if i've been mentally blocked from the world since it's happened and I'm just confused...no shocked...no appalled by how all of this could have simply just stopped over nothing.
I refuse to believe it and I will get to the bottom of it but for now, I'll keep the silence at bay. I've lost her but I don't want to remove her from my life completley. I will get to the bottom of this, just hope it doesn't kill me first.
-From the Work Office of The Cool
