Lingering tastes

Don't really know how I really feel about hearing of the death of a loved one. Like, I would love to cry/weep/somber on about the terrible news of it all but for some reason, I feel more angered than saddened by it. I feel a rage building up, a frustration of guilt, a jealous-heavy mindset, a twisted example of forgotten memories. When she told me what is inevitably going to happen to her, I lost it. I lost that humanity in me, that burning desire to keep on with whatever I got left. Why she told me is beyond my meaning of explanation but she did it....without remorse or even a slight hesitation. It was as if she felt as if I needed to hear this rather than want.

She always did have a knack for coping with things. More calm when faced with impossible odds, even more that my slight neurotic behaviors. A clearer conscious on the future rather than a cluttered traffic of just bad memories and even more worse clarifications. I felt as if my mind was a babbling infant, attempting to cope or even relate to the news of her illness.

It was the first and only time I have ever seen this woman cry so I guess it was serious. Doubts? Of course I have them. I doubted that I won't be able to live with her final moments, her final wishes for the future, her final words to me. Separation was never a good thing for me, even more so when it came to her. A void in my soul, a lingering yearning to be near her again. Never lust, never an obsession, but a purpose. That purpose will now never be fulfilled as I have an even shorter time-frame to serve said purpose. 9 weeks....9 whole weeks of regret and anger and rage and pent up negativity that I have to deal with because it is beyond my control.

I guess this timing is what was in the cards. Guess it had to have come to this as recent memories and forgotten lives began to spring back up into my mind. Where she lay dying against what she could always remember, I stand awake with my crippled focus on my past, present and future.

.......typical

So here's the thing...

   The exact definition of the word "fragile" is this: easily broken or damaged. Easily broken, I can relate to that. Damaged means it could be repaired, like as if you were cut open and a wound formed and it could easily be put back together. So could this mean that a damaged heart or maybe a broken one could be fixed? With my current history, I honestly don't even have the slightest clue.

   Don't mean to sound morbid but well, fuck it, I am. I'm sitting here jotting down thoughts that come out of my noggin and I've recently been through some pretty gut-wrenching shit in the process so I guess now is a better time than later to explain this current situation. If you haven't already figured it out....I'm heartbroken. Surprise surprise, Andrew has found love yet again in a female but (and I know I've said this before) this one was sure something special. Something magical where everything she did/said/does just bedazzled me.

   Something tragic where each one of her tales from her past reflected upon my own past years of misery and regret. Something deadly in the fact that she has the same bit of a hair-trigger temper as I have for the past 24 years of my life. I'm still 25 by the way, although I am not so sure of that....I could be 60 or something and wouldn't know it but I'm getting off topic again. Point is, the past three to four months since we've been talking (albiet, my own version of talking) has been like staring through a looking glass of my own self.

   Let me explain that. Picture meeting someone for the first time. You get this weird sense of deja vu or something, that sinking feeling in your gut as if you've known you've had this conversation or have met this person sometime in your life but you just can't possibly pinpoint the exact moment as to where this took place. Now picture you are still talking to that person and knowing exactly what their answers will be or how they will react to certain personal questions of theirs. Geting freaky, huh? Now picture that every single moment that you've spent with them seems like going through a time-machine of your own life, as if you are fully in-sync or have swan dived straight into their ocean of thoughts. If that isn't even the single hint of "true love" (I'll explain the quotaions later) then I dunno what is.

   So recently things came to a head. Don't know if I was being that too much of a dick or if I pressed a wrong button so far (and it was one hell of a fucking button, by the way) but something triggered the off switch on that between us. She used to come to me for advice, for guidance on what she deemed worthy for society or just her everyday life in general. Then....silence. Just a bleak quiet with not so much as a peep between us.

   Something keeps bothering me about it and I'm just at a loss for words as to what I possibly could have done for her to just react like this. A reaction to where I am comepletly cut from her life altogether and that I just might be another ghost of existence in her life as she frequently does to people who she just simply does not give a damn about. Maybe I'm overreacting....maybe, but that still does not justify the means that I am just to be ignored and never talked to compared to how we've been talking the past couple months. It's as if i've been mentally blocked from the world since it's happened and I'm just confused...no shocked...no appalled by how all of this could have simply just stopped over nothing.

   I refuse to believe it and I will get to the bottom of it but for now, I'll keep the silence at bay. I've lost her but I don't want to remove her from my life completley. I will get to the bottom of this, just hope it doesn't kill me first.

   -From the Work Office of The Cool

#50- Dumb and Dumber

Those words alone pretty much sold me on how completely original and hilarious Dumb and Dumber was to me. This was a film that holds a real special place in my heart only for the fact that my brother and I watched this so many times on VHS that one fine afternoon we reenacted the entire film word for word in our living room just for the hell of it. It's a movie to me that I can pop in at a given moment and laugh my ass off by all of the slapstick humor and clever jokes thrown all around the movie. In my eyes, it's Jim Carrey's best comedic performance and even one of Jeff Daniels' best films to date. It took two actors that no one would ever dream of teaming up and had one of the best on-screen chemistry I have seen on film. But I can't give all of the credit to just those two as the supporting cast was just as hilarious such as Harland Williams as the piss-drunk (literally) cop and Mike Starr as the unintentionally hilarious thug Mental.


This face had me ROLLING on the floor first time I saw this.

The whole movie played out like one long road trip film with all the hijinks you'd come to think of with these types of films but just in a more off-the-wall sort of way. Take the diner scene in where Harry tosses a large salt shaker and nails redneck badass Seabass (played to perfection by professional hockey player Cam Neely) in a scene that is just too good for words. Seabass casually gets up and yells "WHO'S THE DEAD MAN THAT HIT ME WITH THE SALT SHAKER!?" and Lloyd just flat out snitches on Harry, finger pointed and everything.


Classic sell-out moment

This would not be the last we would see of Seabass though as later on in the film we get to a scene that really goes out there in terms of what we may think of public restrooms. Lloyd just casually walks to a gas station bathroom to take a piss. As he is doing his business, he notices something written on the bathroom stall (the picture I posted at the start). Then this like eerie music comes on and we get an extreme close-up on the horror shown on Lloyd's face as he soon realizes that he just walked into the very same stall where the "manly love" could happen....at 2:15AM sharp. Seabass comes crashing out of nowhere and it's this look that has me in tears every time I see it.

The one scene that got me the most though had to be the bare essentials sequence. basically what happened was that Harry and Lloyd had both lost their jobs and were on their last dime. Lloyd decides to use the last of their money to go grocery shopping and Harry gives him strict instructions to get only the bare essentials. Lloyd then asks if he looks like an idiot and the scene cuts to him in a ten gallon cowboy hat, two cases of 24pk Coors Light and about five pinwheels. What follows next has to deal with an issue of Rhode Island Slut, a stolen wallet and a sweet innocent old lady in a motorized cart. The transition to the scene was spot on cause here I was thinking maybe he'd get nothing but candy and maybe just maybe a jug of water or something but no, dude buys a ten gallon hat and his idea of the bare essentials.



There are so many classic moments in this film that I can't really describe them all in full detail. this was truly a comedy for the ages and one of the funniest films I have ever seen. So much so that I had to put it on my list as one of my top fifty of all time. I'll just leave with a quote that I stuck with during the performance featuring my brother and I:

" That John Denver's full of shit, man"

The Big 50 *EDIT*

Slight change to the lineup. Adding five films and taking out some movies out. Don't know how I forgot to add these movies but it just goes to show you how incredibly tough creating this list really was.

Moneyball
Crazy Stupid Love
The Avengers
The Cabin In The Woods

What films will be taken out:

Friday
Jaws
Goldfinger
21 Jump Street.

That is all, carry on with your day/night/whatever :)

The Big 50

As most of my friends know, I love movies. I watch a film almost every day or at any given moment when I have free time. I know movies; actors, directors, composers, cinematographers, visual effects studios, producers, the whole nine. I eat, shit and breathe cinema and I hope to one day get my foot in the door of the medium and showcase my talents towards the next generation of moviegoer. Which is what kinda led me up to this list in question. What most people ask me are what some of my favorite films are and I always go to my usual top three of all time and that is Batman Begins, American Beauty and The Incredibles. I love those films to death and that top three can never change no matter what sort of amazing film seems to break that trifecta. But then I begin to think about all the other movies I have watched and what films I feel that made an impact on my life in some shape or another. And that dear readers brings me to my top fifty films of all time (in MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION). Now be warned that this list may or may not have some of your favorite films, quite frankly the entire ranking of this list might baffle the shit out of you but I cannot state this as honest as I can: it's my list and not yours. Smiley face.

#50 Dumb and Dumber
#49 Mission Impossible 3
#48 Kung Fu Hustle
#47 Ninja Scroll
#46 The Brave Little Toaster
#45 Friday
#44 Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
#43 Aladdin
#42 Scott Pilgrim Vs The World
#41 The Bourne Ultimatum
#40 Moon
#39 Jaws
#38 Attack of The Clones
#37 War of The Worlds (Spielberg)
#36 Minority Report
#35 The Lost World
#34 Back To The Future Pt. 2
#33 Saving Private Ryan
#32 Empire Strikes Back
#31 The Time traveler's Wife
#30 Terminator 2: Judgement Day
#29 Die Hard With A Vengeance
#28 Spider Man 2
#27 21 Jump Street
#26 28 Weeks Later
#25 Goldfinger
#24 Total Recall
#23 From Dusk Till Dawn
#22 The Raid: Redemption
#21 Iron Man
#20 Aliens
#19 Planet Terror
#18 Casino Royale
#17 Robocop
#16 Blade Runner
#15 Out Of Sight
#14 The Prestige
#13 Pulp Fiction
#12 Inception
#11 Requiem For A Dream
#10 The Usual Suspects
#9 The Amazing Spider Man
#8 The Dark Knight Rises
#7 The Social Network
#6 X-Men First Class
#5 Collateral
#4 Raiders Of The Lost Ark
#3 The Incredibles
#2 Batman Begins
#1 American Beauty

For the next 50 days (starting next Monday to be exact) I will be watching and reviewing my top fifty films of all time in ranked order. I'll consider this my love letters towards these films as to why I feel they are some of the best pieces of cinema I have ever laid eyes on. I will be adding clips, favorite scenes, best tearjerkers, awesome one-liners and everything in between. I'll post a trailer for each film before I post to get the general motivation to what I am writing about. It'll be up on here, Facebook and my Twitter feeds so just look out for those. Enjoy a trip down memory lane for this fan of films and embark on a journey into the mind of one die-hard movie lover, it's a trip well worth its weight in movie reels.

Some food for thought

Sheesh....I'm really lazy when it comes to posting on this. So what have I been doing the past four months since I last graced your eyes with such marvelous literature? Well I got fired from my job, that kinda sucked. I made a piss poor investment in some equipment that is running my wallet bone dry. I have become increasingly tolerant to the amount of alcohol I pump in my system. To sum it all up: its the shits, but I just have to roll with it.

My firing from my job was of my own accord. Basically, I scammed the company out of some money for profit and ended up screwing my career up royally in the process. I knew what I was doing was wrong but it's like a gateway drug when you are attempting to earn that promotion you have worked "hard" for. Was it evil of me to give customers cheaper goods and a way to keep that said cheapness only to sacrifice the hard earned money the company itself has worked for? Yes and no. Yes meaning I was doing things that was deemed ill-mannered in the work force and no being that I really did not have the best interest in the company, only the customer. Marinate on that a bit. Why would such a multi-billion dollar company complain about two cents or even fifty cents off of their product (even though it is already funded from a different corporation) and go through the trouble of "helping" the customer. I was wrong but in my own heart what I did felt right. You would not believe how many people I have seen on a daily basis working there that had to pinch every last dime to feed their kids. I have a heart, a great one at that, and to see that kinda made me feel that I had that duty to make that customer happy by any means necessary.

The investment I made was based off renting some electronic equipment from a local Rent-A-Center. In the midst of my previous employment, I saw the investment as just a little something extra for me like a treat I wanted to eat but had to take it in piece by piece. I had the money for it, but I never expected to get caught at my job and getting canned in the process. I sold off said equipment to make up money for my rent that was due the very next week and to pay off the two-week period in order to pay off the equipment. Sucks cause now I have to pay that two week period for the next five months until it is fully paid off. I don't even have the equipment and it's ending up kicking me in the ass. But shit, you live and you learn from your mistakes and that's just something I have to deal with.

I'll admit, I have a bit of a problem when it comes to my drinking. I'm writing this slightly buzzed off a couple glasses of scotch I had with my brother (another alcoholic in the family) and still have a glass right next to my keyboard resting on top of my coaster that says "Here's To Another Empty Promise". It's not so much an alcohol problem, I am no where near the drunken level my brother is at most of the time. Just it helps with what I have to deal with on a day by day routine. The stress of taking care of myself, my mother, my sister, my idiot brother, the constant bickering I get from the peanut gallery, my job state and everything in between. I'm more of a casual drinker, my drunken texts do get a kick out of most people but when it all boils down to it: this man is not an alcoholic. I drink either with friends, after a meal or with family. When I do drink alone, its in the safety of my home and I know my limits on when I should quit. Plus I hate being sick while drunk, kills the mood and makes my daily migraine feel like a thousand earthquakes just lit off in my noggin.

Things are clearing up now though so it's not as dark as you may read it is. I have a slow but steady income coming in from my newly acquired job, I am writing again which is a plus and my mind is as ever wise as it has ever been. Plus....there's her. But that's for another time readers, now I must plan even more genius level posts for your enjoyment. I will be writing every night from here on out. Could be a short one sentence post, could even be an essay like this; just be prepared to read up on this man's daily life. And my god, The Rolling Stones are the shit.

- From the desk of The Cool

And that's curtains

I just don't fucking get it. A man can only try so much and get so little out of something till he just ends up giving up on something. It's like that one stubborn level in a video game or that one piece of furniture you can't put together and you just give up on it only to try your best the very next day. That's how I feel about women and myself. It's like I am in a never ending struggle to find some form of GENUINE affection that I have become cursed for eternity to live this here single life. I know, it may be a better one; but goddamn in my 22 years of living I have never once experienced about what nearly 96% of all the people I have known at some point in their lives. I have had sex before but it was a meaningless romp in the sheets. I was drunk, in a surly daze, and some chick made a beeline for my junk. I've even known a friend who dated some chick for about a week...you know what I would give to have something like that?

I just feel like I would have to literally have to go to the ends of the earth just to find my perfect woman. I mean honestly that's not working out here. For the past nine years I have had nothing but letdowns and broken hearts. Nine fuckin' years of turmoil and disrespect to whatever kindness I show. I just really don't get it. You put in that 100% effort to be with a female and you end up getting .01% back in return. And you know what the real killer is? SHE DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE THAT YOU ARE EVEN SHOWING SUCH AFFECTION. She's blindsided by the next dude; arms made of pure steel and brawn, a face of an olympian, the gusto of a Spaniard and the physique of a gladiator. No clue what lurks beneath the surface but it sure as hell isn't anything as to what the other dude feels: actual genuine caring. Maybe I'm the one who is confused as to all of this, but I do make one point; women just don't dig nice, point blank period. Women in general would rather go for someone who is just one third of a good dude and about two-thirds the asshole to others. So I throw in the towel, I lay my hat on the post and casually pretend I never got coasted aside for another dude...again.